Friday, December 10, 2004

Gloomy in Jersey

A long, emotionally chaotic week draws to a close. The week started on a high note with the concert, hit grief upon learning of the Death of Dimebag and ends with the ever present dark cloud of bills today. Hopefully seeing some pals tonight and trimming the tree over the weekend will turn things back around.

I wasn’t the world’s biggest Pantera/Damageplan fan, but I did really enjoy the music. For whatever reason, I’m still trying to understand what could drive a person to shoot 5 bullets into the head of a great musician with a reputation for being great to his fans.

Life is what you make it, hard times are, of course a relative thing. I’m a relatively healthy person, I’m married to great gal, I have a pretty good family so I don’t have much to complain about right? Unlike a good friend of mine, I don’t have to sit helpless as I watch a close family member deal with cancer. I didn't just witness my brother murdered on stage for no reason. I’m not bankrupt and destitute. I’m employed. So what right do I have to be moody and down on myself? It’s all relative to your own, personal situation, I guess.

It with those thoughts the following words flowed from my head to the keyboard….

Life is a dark and gloomy thing, peppered occasionally with illuminating specks of light. Life puts constraints on the way you want to get by and frustrations mount when you rail against the unmoving wall of ineptitude. You do your best and it often gets you nowhere. You try your best it gets you even less than nowhere. People ask of you to make castles out of specks of cobbled stones. Castles to house immortals and giants, but with only those cobbled stones, you can only make moatless castles, castles unfit for even the King of Ants and God of Nothing. You seek help from those you are told you can trust, but they are nowhere to be found at the hour of reckoning, having meandered towards their own selfish and foolhardy gains.

When you are presented with situations with which you have no control of the final outcome, what can you do? How can you achieve a piece of mind that the goal in which you’ve become entangled spirals out of control, when you’ve done all in your power to build the proverbial Castle of Immortals? You cannot achieve a piece of mind with these things. You cannot grasp that which you feel is rightfully yours when those who hold dominion over you are even less prepared for the rigors of their life than you are. These fools who miraculously have glided by on the wings of plastic smiles and inferiority smile to your face, but cave-in when your back is turned. They think only of appeasing the moment and not the hour, day and week of greater consequence. Strong words will crumble under a weak spine and offers little for recompense in your life. Distance yourself from these fools if you can, they will do nothing for you.

When you want to achieve a piece of mind disconnected from the reality into which you’ve been thrust is when the ordered days of your life erupt into chaos. From this chaos is born a new path to piece of mind. A new path littered with ineptitude, but an ineptitude you can ignore and still achieve your steadfast goals.

Life is but a path of unreason, with small bursts of happiness: The warm embrace of your loved one on a cold night; a cold glass of beer after a long day of drudgery; a perfectly aimed shot, practiced at gruelingly for uncountable amounts of time. These things for which we struggle through the daily grind of life sometimes, sometimes are worth the struggle. Other times the question, a very simple question, is often asked: Why?

In this reality, we may never have the definitive answer to that complex, one-word question. Fighting against the barriers life throws at us brings us closer to the answer and a defining of who we are and why we continue, inching towards daylight in a cavern of dark, craggy, and amorphous shapes. Answers within questions; changing questions when the answers are secured. This is the life we are given to come to grips with.

© 2004 Rob H. Bedford

Could this passage be an opening to a new novel? A revised opening or new passage to the W.I.P.? Simply the ravings of an underachiever? Only time will tell.

Via pal Scott, found out the following about myself:
You scored as Chaotic Neutral. A Chaotic Neutral person is someone who is self-motivated to the extreme. Thier actions may sometimes confuse others, due to their lack of moral affiliation. They have little respect for laws, and avoid both the temptation of evil and a feeling of duty to do good. These people can go along with either side of an argument- as long as they benifit from the result!

Chaotic Neutral


Chaotic Good


True Neutral


Lawful Good


Chaotic Evil


Neutral Evil


Neutral Good


Lawful Neutral


Lawful Evil


What is your Alignment?
created with

I think I’m getting the hang of this blog thing after about a month, borrow stuff from other people and rant about your days on this mudball.

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